Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
