can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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