There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
