I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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