How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
no. you can't hotbox the world.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
