I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Your penis caused this!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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