dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
