You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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