FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
