South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
