Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
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You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
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I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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