somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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