There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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