Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
