im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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