new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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