u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
