I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
