R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
