Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
