census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
