I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
