We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
