I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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