Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
