so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
