i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
