Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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