remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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