I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
