Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
