you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
