at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
