If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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