i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
