She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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