i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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