I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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