I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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