Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
