I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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