so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
