You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
