he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS