you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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