I skipped work to stalk him.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Randomize
