I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
