I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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