Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
