the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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