Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
