I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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