You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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