I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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