you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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