I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
